


An Archer in a Strange Land

by BHRamsay



Category: Archer (Cartoon), Black Lagoon
Genre: Everyone Needs A Hug, Multi, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-09 09:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1978038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BHRamsay/pseuds/BHRamsay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world's most dangerous spy in the world's most dangerous city, what could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Morning after the night before

**An Archer in a Strange Land**

* * *

**Author** : B.H. Ramsay

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing, and I claim nothing, which is what YOU'LL get if you sue me; nothing. Consider yourselves disclaimed.

 **Rating** : Mature

 **Dedication** : Thanks to Drakependragon and Unkeptsecret

 **Summary** : The World's most Dangerous Spy in the World's most dangerous city...What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

**Chapter One**

* * *

_Sterling Archer… codename Duchess_

_Expertise in hand to hand combat… firearms… covert operations_

_Current Status… Missing in action following the assassination of recently acquired KGB asset Katya Kazanova_

_Any and all information concerning current whereabouts of Sterling Archer are to be relayed immediately to ISIS HQ Attn: Malory Archer_

* * *

Eda looked at the text alert in her hands. The picture attached reminded her of Randy, that tasty morsel who'd been tending bar at The Yellowflag.

"The tasty morsel I fed to Revy and her doubtlessly underused cooch." Eda sighed.

Eda had been interested, of course, but with all of Randy's yammering about his dead Russian wife, it felt a little too much like a well-used line. As an expert in such things, Eda prided herself on being a player not in being played. Of course, any player of the game called spy craft would remind her that getting so jaded you can't tell the difference between a well - rehearsed lie and the truth was dangerous.

"Sterling Archer, the world's most dangerous spy."

Some thought he was a pure blind idiot who succeeded more often through blind luck and bald faced deceit. Others said he was a naturally gifted genius and a master of improvisation. As far as Eda was concerned the deciding fact was that both groups pointed to the ISIS operatives record in the field. Sterling Archer's hit to miss ratio on missions was impressive. Even when he failed, he did so with a level of competence even experienced veteran analysts admired.

Eda looked at the picture; there was at least a dozen ways Archer being loose in the villain's paradise known as Roanapur could become a situation. Half of those would allow her to deal with persons of interest, most would put money in her pocket, at least three would lead directly to getting her pipes cleaned too, if she didn't mind getting Revy's sloppy seconds. There was however only one scenario that would grant her all of the above AND grant her the immense satisfaction of the great Ice Queen herself, Malory Archer, owing her a favor.

Eda reached for her phone, this could be a lot of fun and fun was something that Roanapur had seen precious little of lately.

8

9

8

_**The morning after the night before** _

Revy opened her eyes her hands already reaching for the tumbler of Bacardi.

She took a pull from the proffered bottle before relinquishing it to the hands that passed her an already-lit smoke.

She took stock of her situation. Her state of undress and the not quite fresh feeling she had implied she'd had sex the previous evening.

Her guest was statistically likely to be male, which helpfully narrowed the field of potential partners since so few men in Roanapur were worth a damn never mind a roll under the sheets. That they were being this polite and helpful post - coital narrowed the list of possibilities even more, and that she wasn't getting a passive aggressive lecture meant it wasn't her boss Dutch or Rokoru Okajima also known as Rock.

Which made whoever it was a stranger.

She reached for her gun.

"It's not loaded," her guest supplied even as he took a pull, a long pull, from the bottle of rum.

Revy looked around the room suspiciously. No bullet holes in the walls or ceiling which meant she hadn't let off a few rounds in her sleep. That made this not her room nor any of the places she tended to frequent.

Waking up in a strange place next to a strange man was of concern for only one very important reason.

"You unloaded my guns."

"Yeah, Sister Mary Funbags suggested it." Her guest supplied

Sister Mary Fun bags, that had to have been Eda, part-time nun, part-time trafficker in illegal goods, and full time pain in the ass. Of course, that opened up a whole lot of other questions only one of which needed answering.

"So how come you're waking up in my bed and not hers?"

"Well, technically this is her bed," Archer snorted.

"Wait, is this the RipOff Church?"

"Nah, it's a safe house," Archer replied with a shrug. "By the way, did you know your gal pal was a spy?"

Revy shrugged. "She's way too connected to be just another crook but I think she's freelance."

"That would explain the bug out bag in the closet, but not the surveillance stuff."

"What surveillance stuff?"

"She has cameras setup with sight lines on the bed and the shower. Guess she uses the place as a Honeypot.."

Even Revy had heard the term before. A person or place meant to entrap unwary souls into committing acts of debauchery that could be used for leverage.

Revy rolled her eyes. "Eda, you bitch, " she yelled at the room, "if you try and sell a tape of me and...what's your name?"

"Archer..."

"Archer having sex I will cut your tits off."

"We didn't."

"We didn't what?"

"Have sex."

"What do mean we didn't have sex?"

"Well, what part of we didn't have sex don't you understand?"

"Considering I'm naked and sticky I'd say the core concept."

Archer frowned, "You had a...unique serving suggestion for the rum. I think you were trying to do body shots without taking your clothes off. You dumped a quarter of a bottle of rum all over yourself so I had to take off your clothes so I could wash them."

Archer gestured at the stacked washer/dryer taking up a small corner of the bachelor apartment. The spinning tumble dryer gave truth to Archer's story which made Revy cock an incredulous eyebrow at him.

"You had a drunk ass chick in a room asking you to do body shots and you passed?"

"Are you kidding me?" Archer replied. "Normally I'd hit that like I was Babe Ruth, but even if you hadn't passed out in the middle of foreplay, I had just as much to drink as you; probably would've been pushing rope."

"I'm shocked"

"That we didn't have sex or that you wanted foreplay?"

"Both." Revy answered, "Were you this chatty last night?"

"Your exact words were - you wanted me do something useful with my mouth."

"Now I remember, you're the new bartender you keep going on about your dead wife and your mom."

"Yeah, if I'd known I could have this much sex by being a grieving widower I'd have been using that scam a long time ago."

"So I'm a notch on your bedpost while you grief bang your way across the South China Sea," Revy growled.

Archer shrugged again. "If it makes you feel better you totally cockblocked the FunNun."

Eda had been interested, and Revy had snatched the man out from under her. "That depends, did you drink all the Bacardi?"

"Well yeah I did," Archer shook a now empty bottle at her. "but your friend left a nice Glengoolie Blue in the mini fridge."

"Scotch- nice, good score."

Eda letting her bang someone she was into was one thing. Leaving her decent hooch so she could do it?

Something weird was going on.

But whatever it was it had nothing to do with her. So why not enjoy the benefits of the situation.

Revy tossed the bedsheets aside. She caught Archer checking out her naked body it was obvious that he liked what he was looking at.

"I'm taking a shower." she said in a husky growl,

Archer watched her walk to the bathroom. Normally he liked a little more sway in a woman's hips, but Revy was the total package and it was obvious that Revy's body was built for making war not making love which meant the loving would be intense a little brutal and possibly life threatening.

In Sterling Archer's book that was a win win win.

"If you want to finish what you started last night get your ass in here otherwise..."

Archer grabbed the bottle of scotch and headed for the bathroom clouds of steam already billowing from the hot shower.

"To think I was going to blow my wad and go to some place like French Polynesia. Thank Christ I listened to That Old Gypsy Woman."


	2. When Comes The Cleaner

Randy...RANDY

 

Archer barely glanced up from the brothel girl currently flirting with him. Madame Flora's girls were spending a lot more time at the Yellowflag lately.

 

RANDY!!!

 

"Jesus Bao! What is it? I'm with a customer."

 

"Hit on hookers on your own damn time."

 

“When they're ordering drinks they're customers not hookers," Archer replied.

 

Sterling Archer wasn't a man to be prejudice about a woman's life choices. Especially if those choices lead to a woman being open to engaging in anal or having THEM spank you with a ping pong paddle while wearing a Chanel pants suit and calling you a naughty little boy who deserved a good paddling.

 

...ok maybe that one was a little weird.

 

Fortunately Madame Flora's girls were used to the occasional extreme customer request.

 

The working girl mentally subtracted twenty percent from the handsome bartender's bill. Not a huge loss. Rumor was he'd hooked up with the infamous Gun Woman from the Lagoon and everyone knew, or thought they knew anyways, what sort of messed up stuff Two Hands was into.

 

"Whatever," Bao was saying, "I got The Cleaner coming by. Someone left a real mess in one of the rooms at the top of the stairs. So when she gets here just let her into the rooms."

 

"Eww, what happened, did someone leave an upper decker in one of the bathrooms or something?"

 

"Yeah," Bao snorted. "or something is right, anyways when Sawyer gets here let her upstairs."

 

Archer shuddered, but nodded in understanding.

 

Bao sighed. One nice thing about his new employee: he knew his ass from a hole in the ground. Plus he didn't bother Bao with a lot of extraneous questions. That made him more useful than most of Roanapur's outcasts.

 

Archer waited until Bao was gone before turning back to the call girl. "So once the cleaner is done you want to slip upstairs and check out the work she did on the room?"

 

She shuddered, “You do know who The Cleaner is, right?" She asked.

 

"Well duh, she's some kind of maid service right?"

 

The call girl jacked her price thirty percent. The bartender was hot but wanting to do it in a room freshly vacated by The Cleaner, that was messed up.

 

"Not exactly see she's..."

 

Archer tuned her out. As near as he could make out, her verbal flow had nothing to do with him, sex with him, or the sex she was going to be having with her open minded bisexual gal pal who would let him join in.

 

The call girl seemed to be coming to the end of her diatribe, something requiring her to pantomime the slashing of a throat, so Archer slipped in close curled his arm around her waist and pulled her against him, kissing her hard.

 

"It's just...I've never felt like this with any of the other girls. I just feel like we've got a real connection."

 

The working girl was no fool, fools didn't last long in Roanapur in general, foolish prostitutes lasted even less time than that. But damn if the bartender wasn't a pretty good kisser.

 

 She knocked fifteen percent off the price increase. After all, it wasn't like Sawyer would actually be there.

 

8

9

8

 

Fifteen minutes later Archer was finishing up a particularly complex cocktail. His drinks knowledge was opening up possibilities for the clientele long used to Bao's refusal to serve anything requiring complicated mixing or preparations.

 

The door banged open and a small figure in surgeon's scrubs entered dragging cleaning supplies in one hand and a… was that a freaking chainsaw over the other shoulder?

 

The masked figure peered at Archer owlishly. "Where's... the manager?" They asked in the harsh sibilance of a mechanical larynx.

 

“Out!" Archer answered brusquely. "You Sawyer the cleaner?"

 

The Cleaner nodded. "Where's the ... mess?"

 

Archer pointed, "Room at the top of the staircase," he replied.

 

Sawyer nodded and, used to having little or no conversation with clients, headed for the stairs assuming the bartender wasn't going to engage with her.

 

"Ah setting aside the doctor's scrubs which seems like overkill ; what's with the whole Mister Roboto voice thing you got going on?"

 

The room went silent. Sawyer's hand clenched in annoyance,

 

"You know what I'm talking about right?" Archer insisted.

 

Sawyer continued to stare intensely at him. "Mister Roboto?" The Cleaner repeated.

 

Most people avoided remarking upon Sawyer's infirmity,

 

Most people avoided the topic thinking it would be insensitive to do otherwise.

 

 Most people people would assume Sawyer was uncomfortable discussing it and that doing so was a very good way to earn a personal demonstration of the skills that made Sawyer both respected and feared throughout Roanapur's Underworld. .

 

Sterling Malory Archer wasn't most people.

 

Archer decided to sing a few bars of the Styx classic. "Domo Arigato Mister Roboto."

 

"Dennis DeYoung over produced the track and the lyrical content is formulaic."

 

Archer paused considering, "It's progressive synthrock, so I can't argue with that. " he waved dismissively at her.

 

Sawyer turned and headed for the stairs. The bar relaxed when Archer's next words brought her up short. "I'll be up there to check and I'd better be able to eat off that floor oh and don't steal anything I know what you people are like. " he snapped.

 

Sawyer made a sound like a groan but nodded and headed upstairs.

 

The call girl was watching him warily. In fact, most of the bar seemed suddenly nervous.

 

"You need to remind service staff what's what or else they're stealing your small change and getting pregnant because they're Catholic enough that they won’t use a condom but hey paying for an abortion is totally cool."

 

The bar still seemed nervous about something especially when the loud thud of a hammer followed shortly thereafter by the ominous wail of a chainsaw could be heard from upstairs.

 

Archer grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling till the saw stopped, soon enough Sawyer trudged downstairs.

 

Several guys, guys who up until this day prided themselves on being rough and tough, started retching at the sight of The infamous Cleaner covered in unidentifiable human viscera.

 

Archer seemed completely nonplussed, "Make sure you check the toilet tank I don't want to find out someone left us a surprise in there." He reminded The Cleaner.

 

Sawyer growled in annoyance but nodded nevertheless.

 

 He sighed. "By the way your chainsaw engine is idling a little rough; maybe slap a little WD40 in there.

 

Sawyer sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "No lubricant"

 

Archer reached under the bar and handed her a can.

 

Sawyer looked at the can then back at him,

 

"What you never know when you'll need to oil up something. You gotta be prepared."

 

He turned to the call girl, "You know what I'm talking about right? " He snickered.

 

The girl gave a forced chuckle before noticing that The Cleaner was glaring at her, as if memorizing what she looked like for future reference.

 

The girl started whimpering until Sawyer turned her attention back to the bartender. Sawyer stared at him through the goggles and surgical mask. Finally, The Cleaner turned and headed back upstairs.

 

Soon The chainsaw was whining again, however, Archer was pleased to note the sound of the tool seemed. .. better.

 

Archer shrugged and gave a round of Bloody Marys on the house. Several people raised their glasses in salute to the dead man walking.

 

The door opened admitting a tall white haired guy in a trench coat into the bar. Archer noted that he'd accessorized his look by including a black turtle neck.

 

“A glass of milk if you please," the man asked politely.

 

"Milk?

 

"Yes"

 

"Plain milk"

 

"Yes"

 

"And when you say milk..." Archer ventured, "what you really MEAN is..."

 

"A glass of milk"

 

Archer poured out the drink sliding it across the bar at the man while eyeing him suspiciously as if he might at any second go berserk. "And here's your glass of virgin milk."

 

"Thank you."

 

"Just so we're clear, if I agreed to some kind of weird gay thing, I'm not closing the door to it but I'm going to need a lot more booze in me first and you shouldn't take that as a comment on you cause you rock the tactical turtle neck."

 

"Thank you I find the turtle neck really ties the look together. I think it makes me look cool. "

 

"Oh it does, it so makes the look, though, and this is just a suggestion, you might want to try just a black shirt and tie just cause the climate here's a real bitch."

 

"I'm just concerned about compromising my entrance. "

 

Archer smiled, "God I try to explain stuff like this to Lana...to my coworkers all the time. If the enemy is distracted or demoralized by your entrance half the battle is already won."

 

My companions. ..don't share my thoughts on the subject. They're more pragmatic, understandable given the greater competence of the people who work in this city."

 

Archer snorted, "Eighty percent of the guys I've run into are idiots with their heads are so far up their hamster hole that you could be unarmed with thirty pounds of glass in your feet and you'd still have the advantage."

 

Soon enough Sawyer trudged down the stairs carrying a large garbage bag in addition to the rest of her equipment.

 

"You ever hear of outsourcing?" Archer snapped, he motioned to the heavy load, "would it kill you to ask for a little help."

 

Sawyer growled dangerously, but the white haired man interrupted them. "Frederica the man has a point."

 

He took the bag and chainsaw and made a good effort of dragging both across the floor before Sawyer sighed and handed him the much lighter cleaning supplies while taking the chainsaw and garbage bag for herself. Sawyer walked over to Archer holding out a smaller bag for his inspection.

 

What's this?"

 

"Valuables,"

 

"You're right, sorry if I was micromanaging that's so totally Mother its not funny." Archer looked through the bag, "he left gold teeth behind?"

 

"Sort of."

 

"What's with the coins? "

 

"I found them"

 

"Where'd he leave them, on the nightstand... in bath?"

 

"His lower intestines, either he swallowed them or he was forced to swallow them."

 

Archer looked at the bag, then at Sawyer, then the bag. His brain focused at last on what people had been saying to him all day starting with Bao and continuing with the talkative call girl.

 

"There was a body upstairs." He mused

 

Sawyer sighed, "Yes." She answered.

 

"A dead body."

 

"Well not at first."

 

“You killed him?”

 

"I didn't charge ... extra if that's what you're ... worried about."

 

“So all that chainsaw action upstairs was your.” Archer shuddered, "dissemination of the. ..guest?"

 

"I prefer to use the term. .. cutting up of the ... body...It's easier to remember."

 

“And the gold teeth were..."

 

"Pryed out of the dead body's mouth,” Sawyer answered with a smirk. "By the way, you were right, a few pieces were left behind."

 

"In the toilet tank?"

 

Sawyer nodded. "I might not have found it but that you mentioned it specifically and there was a missing piece or two.”

 

“A missing piece?"

 

“Floating in the tank,” Sawyer leaned in close. “You want to know what it was?”

 

She looked all too eager to tell him. She drew the iconic shape on Archer's hand. Archer's stomach gave up the battle it had been fighting. Sawyer smirked, the sight of him on his knees puking his guts would have been payment enough still good thing Bao paid in advance.

 

"Technically I'm off the clock," Sawyer pointed at the evacuated contents of Archer's stomach, " if you want THAT mess cleaned I'll have to ask you for more money."

 

Archer tried to answer but he suddenly realized what the mess plastered across Sawyer's scrubs was and promptly puked again. He waved her towards the cash drawer.  

 


	3. Hit me Baby one more Time

“So I have to ask, what's she like?” Eda pressed Archer as he mixed her a drink.

 

Eda was enjoying the expanded drinks menu. She couldn’t have told you when she'd last had a decent Cosmopolitan though she was definitely making up for the lost time.

 

"Eda, back off" Revy growled.

 

She was already unquestionably annoyed. Dutch her boss had landed a job with the Chinese Triad.

 

Normally this was a good thing as Revy enjoyed working for Boss Chang, he paid well and as the only other dual pistol wielder in the city Revy saw Chang as a kind of mentor.

 

She was less pleased with having to work with Chinglish her rude nickname for Shenhua The triad's elite killer. They often competed for work or for glory...that competition had occasionally lead to bloodshed.

 

Hence Dutchman's edict, Revy would sit this one out. On the one hand, it meant more time for drinking and partying with Archer. On the other however, Revy was all about the almighty dollar. Not making money was, to Revy anyway, the same as losing money.

 

Her bitchy attitude was giving Eda no end in sadistic pleasure.

 

"What's your problem," Eda cackled,

 

“She's been like this since that team of hers left port,” Archer sighed shoving a drink at Revy.

 

The mercenary eyed the dark cocktail suspiciously, "It's a Black Russian."

 

"Is this how you got Flora's whores drunk?" She griped even as she tossed the drink back.

 

 "But he's been easing off on Flora's hookers. There's gotta be a good reason."

 

Revy snorted, "There's only so much kinky even a guy that's this bangable can be into before you gotta put the brakes on."

 

So saying Revy leaned over the bar and directed a swift slap at Archer's ass. He flushed and slid a another drink at her. While stepping close enough to the bar his erection was thus less noticeable.

 

"I knew it," Eda yelled. "I called it. What's his kink, not the spanking -- that cannot be a big deal to you."

 

"Eda..." Revy growled.

 

"He wants to call you Mommy doesn't he?"

 

"God! It was just that one time." Archer snapped.

 

"Eda, for Christ's sake." Revy snarled.

 

Archer slid a Cosmopolitan to the nun who sipped at the drink before screwing up her face. Surely it was mere coincidence that after mixing them perfectly all night suddenly Archer was making the cocktail way sweeter than she liked it.

 

Eyeing him suspiciously, Eda turned back to Revy. "Alright just answer me this, how much damage can he do?"

 

Eda held her hands together before slowly increasing the distance between them. Her question was obvious.

 

Eda noted Revy waited until the measurement was well passed average size before cussing her out.

 

"You lucky bitch," Eda complained, "first Rock now Randy. That's the last time I let you have a guy. "

 

"Excuse me, let me have. You think I can't take a guy from you?”

 

Eda smirked. "Take a guy? Sure, I'm talking about keeping a guy," she said.

 

"Ladies, ladies there's no disagreement you guys have that can't be solved with a nice relaxing three way."

 

Revy choked, "A three way ... with her?" She sputtered.

 

"I got a nice hotel suite," Archer shook a set of keys, "I have it on good authority the room service is both excellent AND surprisingly lax about running a credit check before letting you order off the premium menu."

 

“I'm drunk but I ain't THAT drunk." Revy sneered.

 

 Eda leaned on the bar showing off her ample bosom, "Sorry babe, guess you have to settle for Little Miss Prude." She chuckled.

 

Revy had caught Archer checking out her tits and looked cross about it.

 

"Settle, fuck that; try best piece of ass he's gonna get tonight ...or any night." Revy snarled.

 

She hopped off the bar stool, headed for the bathroom.

 

"Yeah just so we're clear." Archer replied, "That's a no go on the Threeway but yes for hot angry hotel sex?"

 

Revy flashed a rude gesture, or else made a grim promise of what was to come. Anger sex with Revy had its advantages it was true but there were disadvantages as well.

 

Eda glanced at her watch, tempting as it was to put the Gunslinger in her place, time and hit squads waited for no man.

 

Archer slipped her another Cosmo, this one was perfect. "Thanks for the tip off on Revy," he whispered.

 

“What did I tell you Killer? There's only one thing that gets Revy's panties wetter than violence or booze and that's spite."

 

“I'm having some of the dirtiest nastiest sex of my life because Revy wants to spite you?"

 

“Me and every other bangable woman in this city.”

 

"No offense but that's nuts."

 

“What can I say, Revy's gotta lot of repressed issues."

 

Sterling watched Revy menace a table of rowdy thugs, the smallest of whom were still taller than her. They seemed intimidated

 

Archer snorted, "That girl couldn't spell repressed rage, never mind doing it."

 

"Besides," Eda replied, "you don't strike me as a guy overly hung up on HOW a woman ends up in your bed, as long as she's there by choice."

 

Archer gazed off into the middle distance before focusing on Eda,"Sorry I couldn't hear you over the sound of the awesome sex I'm having." He replied.

 

Eda looked at the man then shook her head with a chuckle, "You crazy kids have fun."

 

8

9

8

 

Archer was a lot less jazzed about the whole sex fueled by spite thing two hours later.

 

While Archer believed himself to be God's gift to horny (beautiful) women everywhere, he was still a man. A man with exceptional stamina it was true, but still a man; and Revy had a lot of spite.

 

"You ready to go again sport?" Revy growled.

 

"The spirit is willing but the flesh is ..."

 

"Soft and weak?" Revy sneered.

 

Archer shook his head, "I was going to go with tired and sore, " He looked down at his flaccid body, "but...yeah what you said. "

 

Revy raised the ping pong paddle while grinning a feral smile. "When I'm ready you're ready...and I'm ready now baby." she brought the paddle down in a swift strike

 

Archer yelled, whether from pleasure or pain he couldn't say nor could he argue with the invigorating results.

 

Revy reached down and gripped him hard, "Told you, you had another couple in you."

 

How many more Archer could've managed was a question that would remain unanswered. As the door picked that moment to burst open.

 

Revy reached under the pillow grabbing one of her signature weapons; a heavily modified Beretta 92FS gunning down the first few tactically garbled figures. She was mildly shocked when her bed mate pulled a Walther PPK from between the mattress joining his gunfire to hers.

 

"Friends of yours?" Archer asked.

 

"You've been hitting on anything with a pulse since you got here." Revy argued while reloading. "They might be jealous boyfriends."

 

"The jealous boyfriends I know don't usually have tactical armor." Archer yelled back. He readjusted his aim after he noticed that center mass shots weren't doing shite to their attackers.

 

Revy was fine, she tended toward head shots anyway. The Gunslinger felt a familiar stirring beneath her.

 

"Hey Romeo, ya wanna focus on the gunfight?" Revy growled, "this ain't the best time for a four-peat."

 

"I'll ... dammit i had something for this...it was about Kegels." Archer snapped in reply.

 

Obviously the sudden violence and adrenaline had breathed fresh reserves of vitality into both their exhausted bodies.

 

Archer grabbed a half empty bottle of Tequila from an ice bucket beside the bed, hurling it across the room at their attackers. Revy shot the bottle in mid flight dousing them in liquor. She grabbed her lighter flaring it to life even as she tossed the flaming missile. A rush of flames consumed several of the thugs who screamed and wailed.

 

"Oh that was totally fucking awesome." Archer yelled.

 

"Yeah well just be glad you didn't use the fucking Rum."

 

"Ohh, great idea, " Archer cried out.

 

He reached out for the bottle of rum. Revy tried to stop him and the two ended up on the floor just as a fresh wave of attackers burst into the room peppering the bed with gunfire.

 

Archer rolled Revy and himself over so he could shoot the thugs legs and feet, Revy rolled them back over so she could finish off the stumbling thugs including one surprised bastard who took the Beretta's round right between the eyes.

 

Silence filled the room, Revy rolled off Archer letting him stand up.

 

"Bad news is that there's gonna be more of them."

 

"Good news is thanks to you little miss head shot, I've got new turtlenecks in black, black and ohh slightly darker black, my favorite."

 

"Guys want to kill us and you're worried about how you're dressed?"

 

"Not in a slightly darker black turtleneck I'm not."

 

8

9

8

 

An hour later, Eda who prided herself on being a good judge of people smiled as the phone in the church of violence rang she picked it up already knowing who it was.

 

"Sister Eda,"

 

“Dutchman what's going on?"

 

"That's what I'd like to know," Dutch replied, "You tell me people are looking for the syndicate bosses. You ask me to take Chang and his primary Killer on a damn sea cruise meanwhile I'm hearing that Revy and her new boyfriend almost got their assets shot off in the hotel suite Chang and Balalaika use for the 'private business meetings' nobody is supposed to know anything about."

 

“Thanks for keeping Chang busy for me. I know how much you hate being short handed."

 

“I know you didn't tell Revy what's what but what about this guy she's seeing…”

 

"Randy is at his best when you don't load him down with a lot of extraneous details."

 

Dutch chuckled, "Really Eda," he replied, "I barely know the guy and I know that's not his real name."

 

Eda took a deep breath."Randy's real name is Archer, as in Sterling Malory Archer."

 

Eda could hear the sudden intake of breath, "Malory Archer's little boy," Dutch replied, “You've gotta be shitting me…”

 

Malory Archer was a legend in the intelligence community. She was well known and little loved for her questionable tactics, loyalty and notoriously flexible morality.

 

Her intelligence work history extended back to WW2 and the OSI it wasn't a stretch to imagine that Malory Archer had screwed over any number of people who now found themselves in Roanapur's shadows.

 

Dutch with his notorious close nature might be one such vindictive soul.

 

The problem with that was she needed him onside, which meant doing something she hated doing on general principle.

 

Trusting someone who she had every reason to distrust with the truth about something over which she had no full advantage or control.

 

 


	4. Unscheduled Meeting

Balalaika was working.

Not on her stratagems for controlling and conquering more of the underworld kingdom of sin and vice over which she was already unquestionably a queen, no this was her other job.

Video editing of Roanapur's locally produced underground pornography.

Technically she could assign one of her minions to do the job, but theirs was a high quality product and she could always tell when someone had been paying more attention to the action on screen then the film itself.

She watched with cool dispassionate eyes as couples writhed enthusiastically. She cared nothing for the activity on screen, instead she looked for mistakes hiccups or imperfections.

Just as the cool intellect and ruthless pragmatism that earned her a place as commander of an elite squad of deadly soldiers had been re purposed to make her Queen of the South Asian underworld; so too had the sharp eyes and almost supernatural attention to detail that made her a masterclass sniper gave her an advantage in this tedious but still vital task.

Knocking on the door of the editing suite pulled her out of her boredom.

The door opened admitting a bear of a man, thickly built and baring his own scars of battlefields long past. It was Boris her number two.

He looked at her, eyes flickering over her face, lingering on her more attractive features as most men's eyes often did; even those familiar with her appearance.

Her wavy blonde hair...

The high quality cheek bones and the intense blue eyes

Her face, the left side of it at any rate, was one models walking the runways of Paris and Milan would have killed to get.

Of course those soft waifs would've balked at her own scars the right side of her face and chest were pitted and burnt, souvenirs of battles too numerous and too horrible to mention.

"Sargent"

""Chang is asking for a meeting . It's about the Yellowflag."

"Revy cause another fight?" Balalaika chuckled, "or has the Lovelace boy brought another killer housemaid to the city?"

"No its...its about the new bartender."

Balalaika snorted, "Ah yes The World's Most Dangerous Spy? I heard Nikolai Jakoff and a squad of the KGB's 'best and brightest' chased that idiot through the streets of Moscow and were humiliated for the trouble."

"Chang says he'll wait for us at the usual time and place."

Balalaika looked at the man, "He wouldn't be wasting my time unless it was significant."

"Rumors have it the Gun Woman from the Lagoon and the bartender were involved in an incident."

Meaning? "

8

9

8

The waves lapping the nearby dock and shadows gave the area the feel of a film noir. Chang exhaled smoke.

He heard the click clack of her heels on the pavement followed by the aroma of those European cigarettes she liked when she was running low on cigars.

They stood in silence for a while each playing theold games. Chang was at the disadvantage here because he needed her. ..needed her to, well not be her, for a while.

It would be a hard sell.

"There was an incident."

". ..Boris told me, I'm annoyed he waited so long to bring me the news."

Chang waved her off, "Don't hold it against the Big Guy, this is a shit storm any sane person would steer clear of."

"You're worried about us," Balalaika snorted, "what's got you so twisted Bebe?"

He grimaced, "Someone hit The Hidaway Hole Inn yesterday."

"I'm guessing suite 202?" Balalaika snorted. "As I recall, you asked me for a rain check."

Chang nodded, "It happened while I was away on business."

"Boris was the only one who knew of that meeting place or time. What about your end?"

"About six people give or take, none who knew that we were meeting there but yeah I've used it before."

Balalaika shuddered, "ugh, should I be bathing with a wire brush and lye soap."

Chang raised a surprised brow, "Do i ask you about your past, the scars, the bad dreams that make it a bad bad idea to wake you suddenly?"

"You're a police detective, or at least you used to be back in Hong Kong, do I really need to explain such things?"

"No I worked Vice, I know a lot of things I wish I could forget."

Balalaika sighed. She too had memories of the battlefield she wished she could forget. Such sentiments were waste. Might as well wish for her scars to be taken away.

Chang exhaled a cloud of smoke, "After we established ground rules for our ... 'weekly meetings'," he continued, "A number of ladies who enjoyed my company had to find ... other clients."

"And one of these other clients may have heard something they weren't supposed to?"

Chang grunted, "-and talked about it, yeah."

"It seems as if whoever was responsible was looking for you . why come to me?" Balalaika paused, "you already know who's behind the attack don't you?"

"The nun from the Rip Off Church heard things, passed me a heads up, said she'd take care of it as long as I didn't sweat the details. "

"And by take care of it she meant sending Rebecca and the bartender in our place. "

" I'm not happy about it but I can't argue with results."

"You're stumbling Bebe why?"

"It's a punk kid, Danny Lao, his Daddy was a boss and Junior inherited his seat at the big table."

"Young men can be foolishly overeager."

"He's been looking for a chance to prove he's not just Daddy's little man. "

Balalaika sighed, "He's going to make his mark by taking down the lazy corrupt ex cop." She recited, "What are you going to do about him?"

"I thought the world's most dangerous spy might be useful but this is me making a move. ..internally but still it's a move."

The implication was clear. Any war Chang fought, even if it was an internal dispute had the chance of spilling out onto Roanapur's mean streets.

If Balalaika made a move, took advantage of the confusion, the other Syndicate bosses would respond. It would be like the bad old days before the fragile peace everyone now enjoyed had been forged.

"What's your plan of attack?" The Russian mob mistress demanded.

Chang shrugged, "Donny boy has his pride."

"It goes before a fall, That is what the Christian Bible says."

"...and a taste for his daddy's mistress." Chang smirked, "I need Dutchman's people out of Roanapur for couple of days."

"I might have something I can use Dutch's people for but why are you so worried?"

"You ever read about jus bellum iustum?"

"A justifiable war,"

"I need him to screw up so badly that killing him will be a mercy compared to what senior leadership would want me to do."

"So you plan to draw him out using Sterling Archer?"

"Well Archer and his reputation for surviving shit that would kill anyone else."

"And if this ends as you'd like, what then?" Balalaika demanded.

"I owe you a rain check, and the suites at that place over on Rocihanna street are huge."

"How do you know?"

Chang snorted, "Syndicate money built it, using our materials and our workers, I was saving it as a surprise."

"Do I look like some decedent princess who needs her pillows fluffed and mints on the bed?" Balalaika demanded a dangerous growl in her voice to match the lethal gleam in her eyes.

"They have bathtubs so huge and deep you could drill for oil." Chang grunted in answer.

Balalaika sighed, "Book us a room, if you get yourself killed I'll be annoyed."

She turned on her heel and left Chang watched her departure. So she liked huge bathtubs, that was going to be another couple of thousand of dollars

He paid way too much attention to her legs and the seamed stockings adorning them.

"Money well spent you old corrupt idiot," Chang mused to himself as she climbed into her car and drove off into the night.


	5. Midori Madness ( 1 )

AN: normal text is English while italics is foreign language

8

9

8

A day for oddities

Not that Chang having work for her was unusual nor the job itself; protection was, after all, merely flip side of what she was most often called upon to do. Still for The Heavenly King to ask this of her, it was humiliating.

It was a mark of how important this was to her that she resorted to Chinese.

"Have I done something wrong Boss?" Shenhua begged in their native tongue.

"Have you done something? Why would you think I'm punishing you?"

"Everybody knows that the bartender's the Lagoon Girl's Bitch boy." Shenhua ranted, "Now you're asking me to hang around with him, which means hanging around with her?"

Word was out about the hit squad Revy and Archer had dealt with.

"You asked me to find out who tried to kill you and I did." Shenhua complained.

Shenhua had been sent to ask questions about the confrontation, specifically who in the city had knowledge and more importantly money they shouldn't have.

It had taken less than half a day of work to find a whore house with a recently cash poor regular who suddenly had plenty of money to burn whose origin he wouldn't speak of.

The happy idiot had been delighted to find upon his next visit two girls waiting for him instead of just his regular, at least until the idiot had been persuaded to let himself be tied to the bed.

It was amazing to Shenhua how even the vague promise of sex was enough for a man to lower all his defenses ... among other things.

A little make up, a different hairstyle and clothing, and even someone as infamous as Shenhua could pass unnoticed until it was too late.

"You did a great job," Chang reassured, "no one could have found him as quickly as you or gotten the information out of him in such a ...memorable way."

Shenhua and the luckless mook had a long private talk.

Boss Lao's name came up eventually. It was fear of Lao's wrath not bravery that kept his mouth shut.

Shenhua had simply given the man a more powerful motivation to overcome his fear of possible violence or loss of life. Specifically she threatened to take a needle point blade to his privates.

"Men are always more cooperative when you threaten to take a knife to their manhood." Shenhua chuckled.

"Funny how the thought of a ten inch throwing dart being shoved up his urethra can really focus a guy." Chang snickered.

"So if you're happy with my work why ask me to hang around with Cocktail-boy," Shenhua wanted to know.

"It's easy work," he assured her, "just hang around the Yellowflag and keep Archer company for a week while Boss Lao is in town. Make sure he doesn't get into too much trouble."

"If you want me to take care of him, " she mimed the slashing of a throat. "I can do it."

"He's not the one I want to see dead." Chang explained a dark look in his normally pleasant eyes.

"See this is about Lao; I can take care of him." Her obvious disgust made her meaning abundantly clear.

"No you kill Lao and I have to be responsible for the job. Things get messy." Chang growled, "no matter how much I want to see the little shit up to his eyeballs in raw sewage."

Shenhua calmed down. She'd worked for the Triads long enough to know how dangerously capricious its own politics could be. One day you were up, the next down. The only constant was the absolute necessity of the appearance of honor and respect.

"...That said," Chang replied, "if Boss Lao's mistress, was to take a liking to Archer, well that would just be an unfortunate misunderstanding wouldn't it? You know how competitive women her age can be."

"Why me?" Shenhua asked, "Why not Twinkle Girl, she likes the bartender."

"That's why you're perfect," Chang replied. "Besides, Revy and the Lagoon are busy for the next couple of days; and no, that's no coincidence."

"If Cocktail-boy tries to sleep with Boss Lao's Mistress, the best you can hope for is that he'll end up in many boxes floating in bay."

"...and I expect you'll step in if any of Lao's underlings get the wrong idea."

"What if Lao gets the wrong Idea?"

Chang's eye got that sinister gleam in them that was rare enough that when you saw it God help whoever had managed to get on his bad side.

"A man as reasonable and mature as Lao, no way would he let something petty like a Gwai Lo banging his woman make him do something stupid." Chang smirked.

A day for oddities indeed, Shenhua was pretty sure that Chang had a plan. She was fairly certain that plan involved manipulating Archer into doing his dirty work and she was pretty sure that no man, not even the so called 'world's most dangerous spy', would survive the fall out if a crime boss's girlfriend suddenly got a taste for Gwai Lo love.

"You really think bartender survive this?"

Chang smiled, "Let's just say I knew an arms dealer named Skorpio back in the day. Word is  underestimated the bartender. He's not around, Archer is."

"As long as I'm getting paid, if Cocktail-boy wants to fuck cougars behind the Lagoon Whore's back I won't have a huge problem with that. "

"And that's why I like you Shenhua, you don't sweat the details."

Thus her place at the bar in The Yellowflag.

Another long night for Roanapur's best killer. At least as far as Shenhua was concerned.

A random stranger slid up beside her, "How about I buy you a drink sweetness. " He said in a voice that might have been more seductive and less sleazy two and a half drinks ago.

He was the fifth man to try and pick her up that week, the second one tonight.

Shenhua smiled just as brightly as she had the last four times.

Summoning her best imitation of a come-hither look she gestured at the space next to her responding in the pidgin dialect she resorted to when someone wouldn't show the courtesy to learn proper Chinese.

"You sit next to me. I buy you drinks, as many as you can have in hour."

The man smiled broadly especially when he felt her hand sliding along his thigh - until he felt the razor sharp blade indenting his skin.

Shenhua continued speaking as if the blade in her hand weren't hovering ready either to castrate or geld the man, gently tracing the blade along a major arterial pathway

"It take about hour for you to bleed out after I cut you from here...To here."

"What the hell...?"

"Then whenever other stupid horny men try and talk to me, you tell them what happens to people who think I common bar whore."

The man backed away watching her hands fearfully. Once he was far enough away from the Taiwanese murderess he turned and ran.

The escaping idiot's panicked steps took him past a group of thugs sitting at a table covered in money and booze. The men jeered at him while exchanging money.

Shenhua was certain now, the bastards were gambling on who'd try and talk with her and how long it would be before she send them running.

She made a mental note to track each man down, as far as she was concerned some of the money belonged to her and she'd get what was coming to her even if she had to carve herself some white meat to get it.

"Thanks for not killing that one." Archer snickered with a wink, sliding a lychee fruit cocktail at her. "I'd like to avoid the creepy goth girl with the chainsaw."

"Of course I not kill him," Shenhua replied in pidgin English, "he smart man to keep hands to himself and keep mouth shut."

One not bright jackass had hurled an insult at her after she let him escape.

Shenhua's blades were, as a point of pride, perfectly balanced; ideal for throwing.

He'd run screaming into the night, a throwing blade lodged in his thigh, his pants already soaked with so much arterial blood, one might be forgiven for thinking he'd pissed himself.

Stupid idiot probably hadn't yet figured out that the blade wound would continue bleeding. Without treatment he'd be dead in less than an hour.

That thought was almost a compensation for losing one of her weapons.

"By the way you be nice to Sawyer next time she come around."

Archer grimaced at her tortured English, "She's litte, she's creepy and she likes chopping up dead people, that's like every horror movie ever right there." He snorted,

Shenhua was shocked, not at what he said, but that he'd said it in Chinese, poorly accented to be sure but still impressive from an American.

"What," Archer snorted, "that can't be any worse than your English."

"Your Chinese sounds like my English." Shenhua shot back.

Yeah well...shutup," Archer faltered, "Damn, I had something for this."

"I'm pure Taiwanese," she replied in her native language, "the only reason they teach girls in my village English is so they can fuck tourists. "

"-And as a tourist, can I just repeat how great that is?"

Archer remembered his summer abroad after graduation, including the week in Bangkok. Malory Archer insisted he never speak of that lost weekend.

He never could understand Malory's bitchiness about that one, he'd been a kid fresh out of boarding school, how much did any teenage boy know about proper protocol at a Bangkok Whore House.

"Aren't you whoring with enough women as it is?" Shenhua sneered.

"I'm not just whoring," Archer insisted, "I'm legitimately compensating for my emotional distress by engaging in inappropriate hi-risk behavior."

Shenhua gaped at him.

Archer sighed, "What?" He sneered, "am I the only one who's read the DSM?"

If it was possible Shenhua's stare got even more bewildered,

"...the DSM?," he prompted, "definitive guide to psychological diagnostic practice?

Shenhua seemed shocked.

Archer sighed, everyone seemed amazed that someone as superficial and shallow as he was still had hidden wellsprings of talent and skill. Lana Kane was the same way.

Archer rolled his eyes, "Fine, I'm the weird one because I'm well read," He grunted, "Never mind."

Shenhua considered cutting him just on general principle. The only thing that saved Archer's life was Boss Chang's explicit instructions.

Shenhua had to wonder, what sort of woman willingly subjected herself to an oaf like this regardless of how firm his cheekbones wavy his hair or firm and tight his bottom.

Had she a phone and the number of ISIS firing range a woman named Lana Kane would have been more than happy to explain.


End file.
